I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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