As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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