I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
a search helicopter?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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