oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
