What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
