woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
