I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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