he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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