My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
