I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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