i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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