dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
