The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
