Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My vagina just recognized that song.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
