Apparently you make a good broom.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Randomize
