Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
