It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
