Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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