Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
