five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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