So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
