I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
