oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
