saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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