I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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