Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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