Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
