On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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