I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
