the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
