nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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