I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
