Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
