Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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