you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Slut skills are useful in every country.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
