If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
