turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
