I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
