I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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