I am spending my child support on dildos
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
