Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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