I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
