It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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