508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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