Where is the hickey?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
