I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
