dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
