I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
