mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
