what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
