if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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