I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
