I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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