Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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