Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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