I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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