So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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