I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
